Opening. A dimly lit classroom with 15 students, none of them look excited. A silence fills the air, the students wait for their teacher to begin the lecture. No one moves, no one breaths. It had been hinted upon, before, but it was finally coming to fruition. A 10 page paper...
The teacher stands from her chair and begins to speak.
Teacher - “Alright students, I am handing out the guidelines for a new paper that will be due in...:
dramatic pause
Teacher - “ONE WEEK. Formulate your thesis based upon the book you read by tomorrow, I will be checking them during class.”
The students had finished reading a non-American classic novel not too long before the epic paper was due. Each student read a different book, and each student hated their books.
The teacher proceeds back to her desk, a student raises his hand.
Teacher - “Yes, Nick?”
Nick - “Can we use internet sources of any kind?”
Teacher - “No, I will tolerate absolutely NO internet sources!”
As usual, the hero of our story was daydreaming.
Dylan, thinking to himself - “I think testicular cancer should be no contest...”
Teacher – “Dylan, pay attention to my class. Remember students, no internet sources. You may get on laptops to begin writing.”
Dylan, thinking to himself - “Hm... She said no internet sources... But I bet I could get away with using a few... This just might be my best idea ever.”
Dylan - “Ok, got it. No internet sources.”
Dylan, thinking to himself - “On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero. May as well live a little and take a chance. TO THE INTERNET!”
A few days pass, and naturally our hero does absolutely no work what-so-ever. He's too busy fight communist polar bears whilst riding a velociraptor during a sandstorm in the arctic.
Our hero, being incredibly good a bullshitting his way through anything, manages to come up with a solid thesis and actually finish writing the paper on the required date. Knowing that unless he turns this paper in, a bomb strapped to his chest will explode, killing him. Whilst ridding a Japanese Snapping Turtle, he approaches the teacher desk to turn in his paper.
The teacher looks over the paper, and flips to the last page.
Teacher - “I required this paper to be ten pages, and yet you only have 9 and 99/100. I cannot accept this, I'm sorry.”
Dylan - “What?! That's bull. I worked damn hard bullshitting... erm... writing this paper. There had to be something I can do!”
The teacher looks at our hero for a moment, then replies
Teacher - “I will give you 24 more hours to complete this paper... But... you must explain to me how to create napalm.”
Dylan thinks for a moment...
Dylan - “There are three ways to make napalm. One, mix equal parts of gasoline and frozen orange juice. Two, equal parts gasoline and diet cola. Three, dissolve kitty-litter in gasoline until the mixture is thick.”
The teacher grumbles to herself. She is obviously surprised and annoyed.
Teacher - “Fine, you have earned another day, go work on your damn paper. And don't forget to turn in your sources as well.”
Dylan, thinking to himself - “NO! She needs our sources as well!? Oh this is bad... this is so incredibly bad... Think, Dylan, think... What would Jesus do... Waaaaaait. He would use Photoshop to fake the sources, obviously!”
Dylan returns home, only to find his computer missing. A note in it's place. Apparently, the canibalistic cult of dragon riders captured his computer and are holding it for ransom. Their price; 100 shillings. Dylan, not knowing what the fuck a “shilling” was, deduces that the only way to retrieve his computer is to take it back by force. He grabs his flaming katana and his silenced M14 and prepares for war.
